I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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