Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
