The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
this hospital has no fireball
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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