Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
