How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
