why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
