its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
