I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's blow job season.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
