Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
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