The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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