I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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