I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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