you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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