did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
