So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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