dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
