he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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