she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Semen is not good for contacts.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
