What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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