True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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