everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
