I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
