I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
