we're chasing vodka with high fives
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
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So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
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Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.