Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
