She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
