we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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