barbara walters just said penis...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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