I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
