If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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