we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
