i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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