A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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