I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
its liver damage thursday
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
