Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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