jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
