Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
