Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
