Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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