after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
