Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
