Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
