So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
