nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
