did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
