My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
They have beer where we have blood.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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