He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
