How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
