Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
