bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
