i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
