i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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