Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
