dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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