my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
