Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
