somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
