I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
