I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
