As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
