If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
