So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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